This is all very mature

I just browsed through July’s journal entries. This made me chortle.

Context: At the time of writing, I had recently joined a band.

(I already quit.)

and it goes deeper: there’s something about finding my voice in this group of people. and bringing myself in, and changing these songs to be my songs as well. and failing to do that (which, i am struggling at least), makes me feel extra vulnerable because it’s like no, if i’m not a leader, i’m a loser, and then another, even nastier voice: it was always like that with me and it still is, (so it shall always be, it seems) — me never influencing anybody, always being influenced by. when in reality it’s much more complex.

it’s good that i wrote this out, i didn’t know i had these attitudes in me. but yeah, something in me feels like a failure when things don’t exactly go my way. either a leader, or a loser. when what i’m interested in (or at least talking about) is collaboration. and being part of a group, i see now, means a much more messy assessment of ownership and leadership. things are messy, uncomfortable, in flux. people don’t dance to my tune they have their own agendas. there’s always tensions. my vision will never be fully realized.

this is all very mature.

having these uncomfortable feelings all the time.

i think i need a solo project.