The Merry-Go-Round of Doubt
In chronological order:
- woke up with a migraine
- took a nap. hit the snooze-button mb 15 times
- ate cabbage in fishy fish sauce with rice. couldn’t get enough
- had a Ben and Jerrie-s sundae for dessert
- read about wheat. Srsly, how can it be golden and not die?
- read about Material Design 3.0 and made some notes
My mind is in a fog. I think yesterday’s escapades might have something to do with that.
Feeling insecure about myself and my way of being. The things I do and aspire to seem kind of lame. The way I think seems muddy and conventional. The way I express seems flat. Life feels like a never-ending crisis where I occassionally forget about that fact.
Yeah, for a few years now I’ve been feeling a disconnect between me and my unconscious (for lack of a better term). I keep investing in these ideas: ‘I wanna be a web developer’, ‘I wanna be some kind of designer’ - but something, somewhere feels slighted? Some part of me neglected, maybe. Like, these are fine aspirations, but maybe not the right ones for me (right now)?
Not sure. My strategy is to dive a little deeper into these dreams and see what I find. Maybe it will be some kind of rejection - of working on technology, or leading a sedentary sit-on-your-ass-the-whole-day-kind-of-life.
I would definitely like a better balancing of
- focus mode - creative brainstorming
- working by myself - collaborating with others
- sitting on my ass - moving my body
- staring at the screen - talking to ppl
It feels kind of dumb, to feel this much doubt and uncertainty. I’m not completely in the dark, but still, I feel like I’m missing a really important part of the picture. Like, the things that I really want to do (or need to be doing, or simply the things that are good for me) are being kept hidden. I suspect because I’m scared of what they might lead to - changes and challenges.
That’s how it feels sometimes. It can get very dramatic up here. But then, maybe that just makes for better blog posts :). But when I look at the list of things above - those are concrete things I could start doing quite easily, tomorrow. I think I’m gonna start by connecting with some ppl. Will keep you posted.