Strategy: Avoid

So, doing stuff. I’ve been doing that. Tiny steps, steady pace, balancing myself between projects, necessities and life. This is me living the same day about 5 times a week: getting up at 10, doing the important shit first, making some music in the evening and staying up too late watching X-Files. I feel like I’ve matured.

There is a mix of pain and pleasure, stress and relief that is just about bearable. This morning I’ve been feeling stressed af. I just got my survival-chores done (look for place to live, money to pay for the place) and had 30 minutes before a scheduled call with a recruiter. 30 minutes - a nice little time-window to sit down and process.

Earlier I was feeling the stress, the fear in my stomach and I thought man, no wonder I don’t want to get a job (or do anything involving people) if a simple phonecall can make me feel like this.

It was this moment of understanding: of course I wouldn’t want to feel like this. Of course a big chunk of me wants to avoid feeling this cramped, fearful and flat on a regular basis. Because this is how I’ve felt a lot of the time when it was time to go to school/work/college/the Amt. So, if we want to avoid the feeling, we just have to avoid these things.