Officially Scheduled

This is an edited journal entry. Beware of rambling.

Earlier a thought popped in about this day: all the little to-do items that I wrote down for myself went through my head. One of them struck me: take a bike ride. I wrote it down as a relaxing thing to do after I get my shit done. But in my mind it appeared as yet another thing to get done, as in: oof, I look forward to the time when I’m done with my bike ride and I can finally relax.

I used to do these Spontaneous Sundays where the only goal was to go with my gut and do whatever I feel like doing. A sort of practice of being in the moment. One day outside The Planned Schedule.

Yesterday I felt far away from that. In a state of restlessness I sat down and made some music. Something wanted to ‘make progress’.

I miss making music ‘from the heart’. or something like that. There is a yearning for something else underneath all the aspirations - releasing an album, making a name for myself, ‘getting better’. An unhurried creativity. Taking my time - in all things. An unhurried living? So much of my music making has been practice, a more or less mechanical preparation for some vague sense of ‘after’. “I’ll need this when I’m ready”. I don’t think that’s wrong, I just feel like something has been missing. Maybe time, emptiness, play.

I wonder how I can make music that doesn’t come from my need to achieve.

In the summer I dreamed of ‘going away’. Taking a hike through nature for a few days. The vision got buried under the every day and never materialized. I remember: I was hoping to find something out there, walking alone. A music that would appear, somehow, when I were quiet.