Me vs. Mood

Feeling sad. Sad and burnt out. I’ve been feeling like this on and off for weeks. It strikes me that this mood seems to come into the foreground whenever I manage to get a decent night of sleep in. I’ve often been totally zombified and brain-dead because I can’t sleep very well in my current apartment. When I do rest a bit - I seem to wake up in this mood. It feels like there’s a veil of sadness over me and it weighs a 100 tons.

Makes me wonder about moods…How do they stay so consistent, for days, weeks, sometimes years? I wake up and it’s like my mood is already waiting for me, pre-made and laid out for me to step into it.

It feels like there’s me and then there’s this mood. It is envelopping me. I’m the object, being suffocated, dragged down. It’s weird, a little like losing bodily control: a leg falling asleep, a tired muscle giving out after a work out… That little friction coming between will and flesh jolts me into realizing: I’m just a driver doing his best to steer a lagging vessel. - Lift my leg carefully to make a step, catch my balance, or try to get shit done while being dragged to the bottom of the ocean.