Hollowed Out

I’ve been feeling depressed. In a hole, paralyzed. Desperate for rest, I watched movies all weekend. No desires, except leave me the fuck alone - don’t wanna deal with people, projects or myself.

Feels like a sort of burnout. Too much stress. Too many things to push forward, manage, organize, keep track off, improve, not fuck up, process, explore… When everything becomes a chore and a challenge, it’s too much. Obviously.

There’s biochemistry, too. And things going on in my apartment complex. I have thin walls and a nightowl living (pacing, rumbling…) above me. Me and my body, we get triggered by the noise. And after each shitty night, I wake up with a little less of me each day. - Scooped out, until feeling completely hollow, like this weekend.

It worries to feel this flat and empty. I wonder what I would do if I had to go to work today. Because when I’m this down and sleep-deprived, I am a husk. I don’t do conversation. I don’t really feel like a person - someone with a past and a future, emotions, stories to tell, opinions, inclinations… (Or maybe these things become a sort of dark matter in the psyche: influences too diffuse or too different to be easily noticed. I’m certainly my grumpiest self in these states.)