33
I wanna write about a particular feeling today.
When I’m not down and out, I generally do a lot of things. Projects, plans. Dreams and ambitions. Things won’t just pursue themselves. I wanna make sure I’m there to pursue them all, living a life of unrealistic expectations, always on edge and a little frustrated: I could have done a little better. Or a little more. Or a little faster, I’m sure
Doing things. And between and around these things a constant sense of pressure. Rushing from one pomodoro to the next. Always thinking about the next item on the agenda, that problem that I didn’t solve in 5 minutes or that awesome idea I wanna do when I finally have time, or or or…
While I’m working, eating, working out, pooping, watching a movie, riding my bike. It goes on and on.
Such days can get quite busy and this busyness can easily reach from 10-23h, occupying a good chunk of my waking time.
By an algorithm that no one has ever explicitly taught me (more on that later, maybe) almost every thing I do is balanced towards generating more energy, better results… I’m not even sure what, exactly. But the ultimate goal doesn’t seem to be about happiness. Work smarter, play more beautifully, rest more efficiently. Every ship taking route: optimization.
In this scheme a meal feels like a chore. I’m chewing on whatever while yearning to go back to work. A bike ride seems like scheduled relaxing time. Better recharge my batteries! Playing music becomes another thing I have to do.
I think this feeling has been with me for a long time, but recently I’ve been feeling it more and more. It’s so pervasive, so deep a part of me and my day that it’s taken some time to even notice it. I wanna explore it and see what’s in there.
Symptoms
I feel it in my stomach. A dense heaviness, a fear. A heat of some sort. Around it a fear, anxiety, sometimes. A desperate something? A frustrated kid that can’t have it all?
There’s a sense of jumping from one thing to the next. The project is dead, long live the project! I think this could be a sign that I’m choosing the wrong projects. But maybe it’s also about how I approach them.
Each project seems to assume this significance that’s kind of out of place. I easily start obsessing to the point of having difficulty sleeping. One idea chases the next. Always in that problem-solving-mode (or is it problem-making?). My mind seems fertile, but so are weeds, man.
This happens even with music. I catch myself tensing up when I play or produce. I feel a tension around it, too - better make some music today, stay in shape, keep practicing! It’s a tension that squeezes all the joy out of the thing.
It seems like a sort of emotional over-investment. Things that I started doing cuz they were fun and interesting have grown into these all-consuming behemoths, casting heavy shadows. Places that I sought out to find peace and wonder became gyms and institutions to grow and practice.
Everything is practice. Everything I do I do to become a better person. Everything I learn can be used as an asset.
Next Time
Time
as in: running against it
as in: if every day feels the same, things get kinda wonky