10.2.2024
Sat
I’m full of verve. projects. doing. create, create.
Dreams
I dreamed of being powerful. And even though I was hurting other people it still felt good. I forgot almost everything but that feeling of invincibility. A feeling pure and numb, so it feels like nothing can touch it. After I woke up from the dream, I considered recording it, but chose oblivion, as usual.
Somewhere, somehow, I have felt that invincibility before, even if just for 2 seconds. It has great allure, even now as a distant memory. I came here to ponder why in this dream power was coupled with brutality and causing harm. But now I’m like yesss, one could spend their life chasing that feelingggg, nnyess, one could KILL to feel it again.
Makes me wonder. Chasing feelings. Arranging your life so that you feel content\busy\angry and not sad, make it so you wake up in a bed instead of a sleeping bag, sprinkle adrenaline into your week so that it doesn’t seem like such a drag. Chasing highs, fearing lows. A strange bend in the tissue of spacetime around the comfort zone that spacemonkeys like me tend to fall into. And that feeling of power that seems so tied to invincibility. Who of us fragile creatures wouldn’t want to feel invincible? I bet people have been chasing that high for a while. Could it be useful when it’s not compulsive — to feel this once in a while? I AM INVINCIBLE AND I AM GOING TO DESTROY PATRIARCHY, MOTHERFUCKERS, AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE. But then, how much effort am I ready to spend to learn how to feel it? I might be more of the take-it-as-life-gives-dishes-it-out-type.
But then I remember breathing in bed last night (it was like 4 hours of insomnia. not so miserable this time tho). And feeling something big. There were these spurts of anxiety that I could pretty reliably produce when breathing in a certain way (I’m not sure I can verbalize the pattern tho). But they were just solar flares and I sensed something larger under there, roiling.
I was like, accept, accept this. Don’t try to change it, it’s not gonna go away tonight. The way through this is through acceptance. And so I tried accepting it and let the breathing go naturally, without forcing too much. But something deep — another layer so deep I sense it more than I feel it — really, desperately doesn’t want to feel this commotion, this heat, this tickling sense of something is wrong.
And so we lay there and passed the time together.